Middle School State of Mind

So, today the coolest girl from my whole Middle School came into Pinch while I was working behind the counter. I know her name, but I immediately wanted to hide because that is what Middle School memories do to a person. I immediately went into trying-to-shrink-or-die mode, even though this girl (who is now, like me, an almost 30 year old woman) was never overtly cruel to me. It was more that I didn't exist, compared to her, at a time in life when I really, really wanted to exist, to be noticed and to be loved and to belong, which pretty much sums up what it feels like to be 13. 

It's amazing how quickly a person's entire sense of self can deflate. I am actually wearing a pretty cute outfit today, especially considering that there is a seven and a half month old person hanging out inside of me with one foot shoved securely under my rib cage. However, the second she walked through the door, I started comparing myself to her and coming up short, just like the old days. Blonde-r? Check. Thinner? Check (duh, Katharine, you're pregnant, but Middle School knows no logic). More hip? Check... and so it went. 

I was really hoping that she would not recognize or remember me, but of course she marched right up to the counter, gave me a warm smile, and said hello. So, I had to talk to her. I tried to remember that I am almost 30 and not in Middle School, and actually quite happy with my life as we chatted. But, she kept being so cool and hip and has lived in Brooklyn and was wearing these amazing sneakers that I could never pull off and my jeans have never, ever fit like that, ever because tapered-ankle-natural-waist-skinny-jeans look really stupid on me.

And then I realized something. She was comparing herself to me, too, and I do not think that she felt superior. Actually, it seemed quite the contrary. When I was describing having moved back to the Pioneer Valley with my husband because this is where we want to raise our son, she looked downright sad and wistful. She leaned conspiratorially over the counter and said in a hushed voice that her super-hip Brooklyn fiance couldn't hear "I really miss it here. You're so lucky. I'm hoping someday we'll get to move home and have a kid out here."

After she left, I was talking the interaction over with my lovely friend (and sometimes boss) Jena, and I realized/remembered these things:

• "Boyfriend" jeans with big cuffs (like the ones I was wearing today) look really cute on me, especially with flats (like the ones I was wearing today).
• I have chosen my current life and devoted myself to some wonderful relationships and a valuable and fulfilling career, and I made it that way on purpose. 
• Everyone in Middle School is 13 and comparing herself to someone else and coming up short, but...

Middle School was a long time ago, and I am wasting my time and energy when I spend it comparing myself to other people. It's one thing to have idols and icons, but as I think about turning 30 this summer (eep!), do I really still want to be shrinking and hiding, comparing myself to the "cool kids" and coming up short? I truly believe I owe it to myself, and to the family that Joe and I are becoming as we anticipate John's arrival to love myself, to believe in my own goodness, and to leave insecurity where it belongs.

In Middle School.